04. Forest Lawn
Forest Lawn: A Special Journey
When I See You
What will I say?
What will I feel when I look through the glass to where you lay
Will I sink in the truth that faces me
Refuse to acknowledge what my eyes will see?
My greatest wish
I never imagined it would come about like this
Through the years, over miles, I have been travelling to you
I was almost there, but now I find you have gone too soon
So close I came
Carrying this love inside like a burning flame
To see your face and touch your hand
Now all alone and without you I stand
My journey will end
With a broken heart that will never mend
With pen and paper before you I'll sit
And write of how life goes on without you in it
The sun will rise
I'll awake to the dawn with tears in my eyes
And move through each day with a knowledge so true
Yes life goes on, but it's no life without you.
I wrote this poem several months ago just after I purchased my airline ticket to LA. Yes, I was excited to about going, but I was also apprehensive. I wasn’t sure what my reaction would be visiting Michael at Forest Lawn for the first time. The last twelve months have been very surreal and while I can accept in part that what the media prints is based on fact, experiencing the truth first-hand is another matter entirely. I was confident I was prepared mentally, but it was the gray area surrounding my emotional reaction that gave me some concern. Inside, there was still a part of me that refused to accept that he was no longer physically with us.
As millions of other fans, I had carried the dream within me that one day I might meet Michael face to face. I wanted to see his beautiful smile and shake his hand; tell him thank you for his incredible gift to the world. At the very least I had hoped to see him perform live so I could experience the pure love and energy radiating from the stage. Unfortunately circumstances prevented my dream from being realized and this was due more geographical location and finances than anything else.
Standing in front of his door with my face pressed against the glass; eyes straining to see down the dark corridor to where he lay, I was filled with immense sorrow and grief. The intensity of feeling took me by surprise as did the physical pain that ensued. It was a deeply personal moment; a moment where I felt isolated, a moment where the truth finally sank in. But I was not alone. I could see and most importantly sense, that everyone there shared these emotions. It was in their eyes; the pain, grief and realization that we had all indeed physically lost our most precious child.
I say physically because there was also a growing awareness within me of a deeply spiritual connection, not only with Michael, but also between myself, my sisters and fans all around the world. In that moment we were united as one through our pain, grief and our love for Michael and each other. At no other time in my life have I felt so much love, it's almost impossible to describe.
To my sisters Linda, Heather, Kelley, Iris, Lindsay and Hanna, thank you for sharing this experience with me. I love you all. Jerry and David, thank you for your kindness, support and for being the humble and beautiful men that you are. I love you both very much. Michael I will love you forever and miss you for eternity.
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